FAQ Parents

 If you think or know that your partner has sexually abused your child, you are not alone. You can get help:

Every day many mothers face the awful reality of finding out that their child has been sexually abused. Most sexual abuse takes place within homes. In fact, it is usually committed by someone who is trusted by the child.

You may feel a mixture of feelings if the person who has abused your child is your partner, husband or boyfriend. Sometimes women feel:

Shocked, confused, disbelieving, numb, guilty, betrayed, frightened, hurt, a failure as a wife/partner and mother, angry at him for what he did, angry at themselves for not knowing or for not being able to stop it, angry at their child for not telling them, worried about what other people will think. You may want to know exactly what happened, or you may not want to hear about it at all. You may find it difficult to listen if your child tried to talk about it.

Some questions you may have:

Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I know about it?
These are some of the questions which can go round and round in your mind after you find out about the abuse. It is possible that you may have noticed that things were just not right at home. It may be really hard to put a name on what you felt. Sometimes women talk about having a "gut feeling" that something was not OK. At the time there was usually a good reason to explain what was going on. It may be easy looking back to see what was really happening. But, sexual abuse is the last thing that most people expect to be happening in their family.
It's not your fault that you were not aware of it sooner.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT IT HAPPENED

Why did he do it?

Many women believe that their partner sexually abused their child because:
He was not receiving the sexual satisfaction he needed from her.
She is a failure as a wife and mother.
He could not control himself.
Many men who sexually abuse children are having normal sexual relationships with their wives or girlfriends. The reason men sexually abuse children is connected to their need to feel powerful and in control. It is not about sex. He is in control of his behaviour and can choose not to abuse.

But wasn't I responsible for it happening too?

You are not responsible for the sexual abuse, even if you were:
Sick
Working long hours
Unhappy and preoccupied at the time
Frightened of him
No longer interested in him sexually

It is up to each individual adult person to be responsible for their own behavior Is it not the women's responsibility to police her partner's behavior. In fact, most abusers take great care to carry out the abuse in secret. Often the situation is organised so that no-one else will be present, or so that no-one will find out what is happening.

Was it my child's fault?

Your child was not responsible for the sexual abuse even if:
She/he wanted to spend time with the abuser
She/he didn't tell you about what was happening
She/he couldn't stop the abuse from happening
No-one ever asks to be sexually abused. It is possible for a child to care for the person who is abusing them. But this does not mean that they want the abuse to happen or that they like it.

What can I do to help my child now?

There are many things which you can do to help your child to deal with the effects of the sexual abuse. Some important ones are:

Believe them
Praise them for telling
Try to understand why they couldn't tell you about it earlier or at all
Allow them to have as much control as possible over the decisions which are made about them
Allow them to feel and express the whole range of feelings they may be experiencing
Help them to feel safe
Protect them from further abuse
Respect their secrets - don't tell others what has happened without their permission to do so
Help them to find someone they can trust to talk about what has happened

Here are some other important facts you should know:

Mothers need support too.

Mothers of children who have been sexually abused need support too. It is important for you to be able to cope with the feelings which you may have about what has happened.
Questions which you may need to talk about can include:
Will my child be OK?
What will happen to the abuser?
Will I ever be able to trust him again?
Should I stay in the relationship?
Who do I believe if he says it was all the child's fault or it didn't happen?
What if it happened to me as a child too?
You can find the names of local Westchester County agencies who can answer your questions and assist you with your child.

Common Feeling of Sexually Abused Children

Fear

Sexually abused children often feel that they have done something wrong and are fearful that their family will reject them. They may also fear that their parent will do something to the offender which will send the parent to jail and away from the child. Assure the child that you love them and you will let the police investigate and the judge decide what should happen.
They may also be afraid of the abuser. It is not unusual for abusers to threaten children to keep them silent. Common threats are to kill the child, the parents, or a favorite pet, if the child tells anyone about the abuse. If threats were made, the child needs assurance that the abuser will not be able to carry out the threat. The child need to know that the purpose of the threats was to stop the child from telling what happened.

Guilt and Shame.

Children often blame themselves. They can't always tell the difference between "I did something bad" and "something bad happened to me." Sometimes abusers tell children that their parents will not love them any more if they find out because the child has been "bad" by participating in the sexual activity. Guilt feelings may be even stronger if the child has disobeyed and the abuse occurred while a rule was being broken. In this case, the child may need special reassurance from parents that nothing the child did caused the abuse. Put the shame on the abuser, where it belongs.

Confusion

If there was no violence or force, the sexual activity may have felt good to the child. This can be confusing when the child finds out that it was against the law. Again, the child needs assurance that the abuser was wrong to make them feel pleasure in that way. Do not expect your child to have understood that the adult behavior was wrong when it was occurring. Even if the child realized it was wrong, it is very difficult for children to say no to adults. Express your understanding of the child's feelings and let the child know that they are not at fault.

Depression and Isolation

Children may be depressed if they believe that everyone knows about the abuse. Point out to them that very few people know about the abuse. Explain to your child that he or she is not alone, and that many children have been sexually abused.
Children sometimes feel that they are different from other children because of the abuse. They may even feel that the abuse has made them look different. Assure them that they are still the same. Have them look in the mirror with you to see that they still look the same.

If your child tells you he/she has been sexually abused:

When a child tells an adult that he or she has been sexually abused, the adult may feel uncomfortable and may not know what to say or do. The following guidelines should be used when responding to children who say they have been sexually abused:

What to Say:

If a child even hints in a vague way that sexual abuse has occurred, encourage him or her to talk freely.

Don't make judgmental comments

Show that you understand and take seriously what the child is saying. Child and adolescent psychiatrists have found that children who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not. The response to the disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the child's ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.

Assure the child that they did the right thing in telling.

A child who is close to the abuser may feel guilty about revealing the secret. The child may feel frightened if the abuser has threatened to harm the child or other family members as punishment for telling the secret.

Tell the child that he or she is not to blame for the sexual abuse.

Most children in attempting to make sense out of the abuse will believe that somehow they caused it or may even view it as a form of punishment for imagined or real wrongdoings.

Finally, offer the child protection, and promise that you will promptly take steps to see that the abuse stops.

What to Do:

Report any suspicion of child abuse. If the abuse is within the family, report it to the local Child Protection Agency. If the abuse is outside of the family, report it to the police or district attorney's office. Individuals reporting in good faith are immune from prosecution. The agency receiving the report will conduct an evaluation and will take action to protect the child. Parents should consult with their pediatrician or family physician, who may refer them to a physician who specializes in evaluating and treating sexual abuse. The examining doctor will evaluate the child's condition and treat any physical problem related to the abuse, gather evidence to help protect the child, and reassure the child that he or she is all right. Usually, the child should also have a psychiatric evaluation to find out how the sexual abuse has affected them, and to determine whether ongoing professional help is necessary for the child to deal with the trauma of the abuse. The child and adolescent psychiatrist can also provide support to other family members who may be upset by the abuse. While most allegations of sexual abuse made by children are true, some false accusations may arise in custody disputes and in other situations. Occasionally, the court will ask a child and adolescent psychiatrist to help determine whether the child is telling the truth, or whether it will hurt the child to speak in court about the abuse. When a child is asked as to testify, special considerations--such as videotaping, frequent breaks, exclusion of spectators, and the option not to look at the accused--make the experience much less stressful. Adults, because of their maturity and knowledge, are always the ones to blame when they abuse children. The abused children should never be blamed. When a child tells someone about sexual abuse, a supportive, caring response is the first step in getting help for the child and reestablishing their trust in adults


Counseling is very important and helpful to children if they have been sexually abused.

It is appropriate and sometimes very important for your child and/or your family to get professional counseling, especially when the offender is someone known and trusted by the family.

Professional counseling can:
1. Help the child and the family in dealing with any trauma and crisis related to the sexual abuse.
2. Allow for the open expression of feelings, and build self-esteem and a sense of worth.
3. Change self-destructive or "acting out" behavior.
4. Give support and reassurance to the child and non-offending family members that they are not to blame for the sexual abuse.
5. Help the child return to normal functioning.
6. Teach the child the skills necessary to take control of his or her own body to prevent the possibility of further abuse.