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In recent years, LGBT
survivors of domestic violence have begun speaking out about their
experience in increasing numbers. New organizations have been
created to address the issue and provide support to survivors.
Historically, though,
there has been an overwhelming silence about same-sex domestic violence.
Many people still don't believe that same-sex domestic violence really
exists, and people who are victims are often ashamed to tell their
communities or families. In fact, numerous studies have shown that
violence in heterosexual and same-sex relationships occurs at
approximately the same rate (one in four).
Domestic violence occurs
when one partner maintains control over the other person and limits his or
her freedom to socialize. The abused partner becomes isolated and
confused. The abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional,
psychological, economic, and verbal. The abuse doesn't happen all of
the time-there are sweet and close periods that are interrupted by
unpredictable violence.
After the violence the abuser may be
apologetic, asking forgiveness. Many survivors find that when they
move to end the relationship, their partner may increase the threats and
manipulation. The abuse often gets worse over time. If there
are children living in the home, they are terrorized by the violence even
if they are not hit themselves.
See below for
resources.
The isolation that
accompanies domestic violence can be compounded by being LGBT in a
homophobic society. Silence about domestic violence within the
LGBT community further isolates the victim, giving more power to the
batterer.
LGBT people feel understandably
protective of their relationships in the face of widespread
discrimination and negative stereotypes among the wider population.
Many LGBT people don't want to admit openly that their
relationship-which is already seen as "sick" - has this problem.
One of the
weapons that batterers in same-sex relationships may use involve
"heterosexist control". This means that the batterer takes advantage
of the homophobic and heterosexist nature of the larger society - as well
as our own internalized heterosexism - to further dominate and control
their partner. Heterosexist control can take a variety of forms,
including:
Threats to "out" the victim -- A batterer may threaten to tell
friends, family, co-workers, bosses or the landlord about the victim's
sexual orientation as an additional threat.
Increased risk of losing children -- The risk of losing children to
third parties (the birth mother or father, grandparents, the State) is
greater for LGBT couples when domestic violence is involved. A
batterer can threaten disclosing the sexual orientation of a parent to the
courts or foster care authorities.
Threats of deportation --For individuals who may not be document
residents of this country, abusive partners may threaten to report their
partner to the Immigration and Naturalization Service.
| Questions to ask yourself about your
relationship |
- Has your
partner ever pushed, choked, hit or thrown things at you or threatened
to hurt you?
- Has your
partner ever threatened to "out" you to your family, your friends, your
school, or your job?
- Has your
partner ever put you down or told you to "shut up" in front of other
people?
- Has your
partner ever gotten drunk or high and used it as an excuse for sex or to
hurt you?
- Do you feel
like it's easier to just go along with what your partner wants, rather
than make your own decisions?
- Has your
partner ever started sex with you while you were sleeping without
permission?
- Has your
partner refused to practice safer sex when you asked him or her to?
- Has your
partner ever left you someplace that wasn't safe or insisted you go
somewhere unsafe?
- Have you
stopped seeing your friends or family to avoid your partner's jealousy?
- Do you
watch what you say to make sure your partner approves?
If you
answered "yes" - even once - your partner may be abusive.
What you can
do if you are scared or concerned:
- If it's an
emergency, call 911 for assistance.
- If it isn't
emergency right now, start planning. You can protect your safety
by:
- Making a plan in case you have to leave quickly.
- Putting together an "emergency kit" (link to info at bottom of page)
of things you would really need if you had to leave suddenly.
- Establishing contacts with friends and family so you have a place to
go in an emergency.
- Considering obtaining a restraining order to protect yourself.
You have the
right to file a police report if you have been physically abused. Call
your local police department to have a police officer sent out to you or
go into any police station to make a report.
Remember that you didn't
cause your abuse.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
Don't let your partner control or mistreat you.
Help is available.
Sample emergency kit:
Money - store some cash in a secret place where you can easily get
to it. Be sure to include some coins for phone calls.
Keys - an extra set of keys should be kept in a safe place (friend
or neighbor) in case you need to leave quickly.
Important papers for you and your children - birth certificates,
passports, health insurance documents, photo ID/drivers license,
immunization records, checkbook, medication, food stamps, social security
cards, etc.
Basic items - keep a small bag with your medicines, copies of our
legal papers, an extra pair of glasses, and a set of clothes.
Adapted
from the Centers for Disease Control and Public Health - Seattle & King County website |
